"We Were Meant For So Much More"

Tonight my friend Ryan and I were on our way to someone's house for a CSULB Campus Crusade pizza party/hangout when I noticed a Larry Flynt strip club on right side of Garden Grove Blvd. I felt like I could sense the emptiness that was coming from that place. I saw a women, whom I assumed was a stripper, driving out of the parking lot. I couldn't see one ounce of fulfillment on her face. She did not look satisfied or content with where her life was, or is going. That woman was meant for so much more than the lifestyle that she probably finds herself in. No human being deserves to be treated like an object.

When it's all Said and Done

Every so often I think about what my funeral would look like if I suddenly died. What would people say about me? Would people genuinely miss me? What kind of person would I be remembered as? Would people be crying? I know that I'm loved and respected by friends and family but I wonder what kind of impact that I have had on the people and places that I have been associatied with.

"For the Life That's Been Reborn, His Love Endures Forever"/ Refocused

This morning I went to my friends Crista and Jenna's church, Southlands Christian Church, in Bell. Crista invited me earlier in the week and told me that there was going to be a choir of former drug addicts and alcoholics. I thought it would ineteresting so I decided to go. I'm glad that I did! It was cool to see these people who have overcome these powerful addictions by the grace of God. While some of the people were giving their testimonies I was thinking how incridibly blessed I was growing up. My parents weren't drug addicts, alcoholics, negligent, or anything else like that. They loved me so much and I always knew that they would be there for me. It's not like a grew up in a Christian household but I was raised with good morals. People in my extended family have battled (and still battle) addictions to alcohol and drugs. A lot of people who tend to abuse substances come from messed up families. Our childhoods are so incredibly important in our development as people. I find it very interesting that there are many pastors come from backrounds of hardcore partying, alcohol, and drugs. People who aren't followers of Christ probably think of pastors as being these really moral/religious people who have a "holier than thou" attitude, when in actuality they were probably more messed up then that person ever was. I always enjoy seeing how God can rescue people from the most destitute situations and and radically transforms them into one of His sons or daughters.
The service also got me refocused. If you didn't know, lately I have been feeling directionless in terms of my life and where I'm going in the present and future. Hearing all of these amazing testimonies helped me to see that I need to be devoting my time to serving God above anything and everything else in my life will work out in time.

First Week Analysis

My first week of school was alright. I'm still getting used to my new sleeping routine. I found that I was exhausted at 11:30pm. During vacation I used to be wide awake at about 2am. 8am classes are not fun! Especially if you know that you wouldn't be there if you only would have tried a little harder a few months ago. Class-wise, the week was dissapointing. I'm taking my first major classes which, going into them, I was kinda excited. Those are the most boring of all the classes that I'm taking! My Accounting prof expects us to know the basics of how to do accounting just by us reading the chapters in the book. I'm not a big fan of class in general. I wish I had a fun class. I know school wasn't designed to entertain me but it would be nice to take a class that I'm half way interested in.
Campus Crusade stuff was great! I was really pumped up to see all the new faces (especially one in particular, if you know what I mean). The biggest thing will be trying to keep the new people within the movement, which is not easy. I just started my pastor Mike Erre's new book "The Jesus of Surburbia" today. Oh my goodness! I was getting goosebumps while I was reading it. If you don't know Mike is my favorite speaker in the world. I'm going to pick it up again after I'm finished with this post. Also, I have become a facebook addict over the past few days which would explain why the blog posts have not been given the most attention. Thanks a lot Jenna. Look what you've done to me. =)

End of Break/Super Stoked

Well, today was our last day of break. It was probably my best break ever! I really enjoyed hanging out with you guys and having no real responsibilities. I'm going to miss the nights of staying up late and sleeping in till 11:30 every morning... I ended up getting a D- in my Math 115 class so I have to re-take it. The only available sections that worked with my schedule were 7am, 8am, and 7pm. I decided to take the 8am class. I told myself that I would never take an 8am class again but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta to do. The last time I took an 8am class was during freshman year. I would routinely hit the sleepies everyday for about an hour or two every afternoon... Oh well. It's my fault for getting the D-.
I'm super stoked about Campus Crusade this semester! During the break I decided that I was going to take a mental vacation from Crusade stuff. It was good. I didn't want to become burnt out. I just got back from my mental vacation about a week ago. I'm really excited about the outreach table, sharing, seeing the crusade crew, seeing Ryan wear his "Hangin' with my peeps" shirt, etc. I'm also super stoked about Crusade at Long Beach State. I'm going to be helping them out with promotion and maybe some other stuff. There is a ton of potential on that campus! I'm really excited!

Prayer

1st of all I would like to say that the state of my core is feeling a lot better and has been for the past couple of days. So that's good.

On Thursday night "Daniel and the Ryan's Den" (DJ, Ryan K, and myself) did two seperate prayer walks at Long Beach State then at Cal State Fullerton. We were praying for our campuses and the different aspects of it where we would like to see change. It was cool. I feel like my prayer life is a weakness. At the Campus Crusade for Christ conference in San Diego Jaeson Ma asked if we wanted to make a commitment to pray for an hour a day for every day of the year. I was about to stand up because my friends did but then I realized that I probably wasn't going to be able to do it. Of course, if I changed my schedule around and made a total effort it would be feasible. But I did not want to lie to God or myself. I strive to read about two pages out of the Bible each day but only occasionally do I read that much... While we were leaving Long Beach I was thinking about a couple places in Scripture where it talks about prayer.

Here they are:
"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you". Matthew 17:20.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". Mark 11:24

I wish I had this amount of trust and belief that God would answer my prayers. Recently I have been praying for a friend who is having trouble with her knees and wrists. I'm trying really hard to believe that God is going to take care of that. Most of the time when I pray I ask for things that I think would be fantastic if they really happen but I doubt that they ever will.

I was in the word last night and came across a passage that goes along with what I'm talking about. It is where a father of a child with an unclean spirit is asking Jesus' disciples to cast it out from him. This unclean spirit is tourturing this kid by throwing him into fire and water, convulsions, and causing foam to come out of his mouth. The disciples couldn't cast it out but then Jesus steps in.

Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Mark 9:23

I love the dad's response:

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

I feel like when I pray that I pray with 50% belief and 50% non belief. I need the Lord to help me with me non-belief.

State of the Core- Not so Good

The state of my core right now is pretty crappy. It's ridiculous. Nothing tragic has happened to me or anything. It's not like a friend/family member died, broke up with a girlfriend, got in a fight, or anything of the sort. My problems are extremely miniscule compared to others. I feel pretty directionless right now. There isn't really any finish line that I'm racing to. I'm just living life with no tangible goals or objectives. I keep telling myself that I'm not depressed but sometimes I'm not so sure. Sometimes I'm just happy, smiling, and laughing. At other times I'm just down for no apparent reason. I don't like the way that the state of my core fluctuates. I guess that's just life though.

All Together Seperate

It is becoming more apparent to me that I am lacking a sidekick. I mean there are the dynamic duos of (Amy Grace/Merrilee), (Ryan K./DJ), (Jenna/Crista), (Mike/AJ), (Johan/Dago), and the many others. And then their are the dating duos but I don't want to rant on and on about my problems with girls (or the lack thereof). That will be a post for the future. I feel like I'm flying solo while everyone else is enjoying the ride with their buddy. It seems like I'm buddies with everyone else and their buddy. Hopefully I will find my sidekick someday.

The Word of God

On Sunday night I was able to acquire a book from Mr. Brent "Stun 'em" Dunnam called "Knowing Scripture" by R.C. Sproul. The name looked familiar and then I relized that that was the same guy who did the commentary in DJ "The Danimal"s massive Bible that he carries around with him. I was able to read the 1st chapter and I found it pretty interesting. One section that I found especially interesting was when he talked about motivation in terms of reading The Bible.

Here is a portion of it:

"It is important to note that the theme of this book is not how to read the Bible but how to study the Bible. There is a great deal of difference between reading and studying. Reading is something we can do in a leisurely way, something that can be done strictly for entertainment in a casual, cavelier manner. But study suggests labor, serious and dillegent work.
Here then, is the real problem of our negligence. We fail in our duty to study God's Word not so much because it is difficult to understand, not so much because it is dull and boring, but because it is work. Our problem is not lack of intelligence or passion. Our problem is that we are lazy". (pg. 17).

This past semester of school I have been very lazy in terms of reading Scripture. And when I would read I usually would have more concern with how many pages I read instead of what the passage is really saying. I also usually read before I go to bed and I would almost always want to "hit the sleepies" rather than read The Bible. Why did/do I not see the importance of reading the words of the Creator of the entire Universe?
When I was finishing up the book of Matthew tonight I found that I was analyzing the passages more so than usual. I feel like I got a lot more out of it than just going through the motions like I usually do. Mad props to R.C. Sproul.

"What do you want out of life?"

Well it's almost 3 in the morning right now and I can't fall asleep. I just got done watching reruns of two of my favorite shows ever: Full House and Boy Meets World. There is nothing good on right now so I decided to do another entry.

The outreach team here at CSUF often does surveys on campus to gauge where people are at spiritually which hopefully transitions to sharing the Gospel. One of the questions that we sometimes use is "What do you want out of life?". Almost 100 percent of the people we ask say, "To be happy". Recently I have been asking myself that same question. Here is what I came up with. I want every year to be better than the last. I never want to be living in the past wishing I was there insted of the present. I think that would be a horrible way to live life. I also want to be madly in love with my wife until the day I die. I truly hope that I can find such a person. I also would want to have as tight-nit of a family as possible. My family (meaning everyone besides me and my parents) isn't very close at all. I see my grandparents about 2-3 times a year and it's about the same or even less with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Another thing that I would want out of life is to be doing something fulfilling. I really don't want to have a regular 9-5 job sitting in a cubicle all day. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all. Nor am I saying that desk jobs can't be fulfulling. I want to have a job that I would be willing to do for free otherwise. A job that wouldn't seem like a job and that I would enjoy going to every morning. I also would like to have a close group of life long friends. So if you boil down my answer it would be: to love, be loved, and to experience fulfillment. Being happy is only temporal in my opinion.

Facebook

So it looks like I'm going to have a facebook pretty soon. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My friend Jenna pretty much told me I had to get once since the only other person in crusade who didn't have one besides myself just made one. I don't even know what facebook really looks like. I currently can't check out other people's pages since I don't have one. Hopefully it will be an enjoyable experience.

Attraction

Recently I have been thinking about the whole concept of physical attraction. It is a very exciting and frustrating subject. I do not like the fact that I can't really control who I'm attracted to and who's attracted to me. I also do not like the fact that I can't earn someone's attraction. I can earn someones trust and respect but if they are not attracted to me than I'm out of luck and there is not a darn thing I can do about it. I enjoy having crushes on girls. It is exciting to think about that person all while the butterflies are going in my stomach. But I would much rather find out fairly quickly if the feelings are reciprocal. If they are not then I'm wasting my time thinking about a situation that isn't going to happen. I also don't have to over analyze every encounter with that person. If I'm attracted to someone who does not feel the same way about me then it's just like me trying to run the 100 yd dash while jogging in circles. I'm never going to reach the finish line no matter how fast I run.

Core Ideology

I chose the name "coreofmyinnerbeing.blogspot.com" because this blog reflects who I am. The core of a person's inner being can be defined as is how we are doing deep down. If you ask a person how the core of their inner being is doing, you are asking them how they are really doing. None of the usual surface "I am doing good. How are you?" garbage. There are only a select few people that I feel that I can share how my core is doing. You don't want to be a "core whore". I would also suggest not talking about the state of your core with a member of the opposite gender. You could give them a glipse of your "inner being" but not your "core".
I will give you a glimpse of my "core" but I will not be discussing the depths of my core. Somethings are better left unsaid. I have been thinking lately that whenever I discuss the core of my inner being with the select few it is usually pain/sadness filled. I'm not depressed or anything so this makes me think. I wish my core was filled with joy but unfortunately joy is only temporal while we are on this earth. There will be a day when my core is filled with an everlasting joy that can't compare with anything I will experience in this lifetime.

Music

The music that we choose to listen to can tell us a lot about who we are. I'm a big fan of rock music and most of it's sub-genres. I like stuff that is fast, energetic, and sometimes angry. I even like a little yelling and screaming, but not too much. I also like hip-hop a little but not nearly as much as rock.

Here are some of my favorite bands. The links will lead you to a site where you could listen to a couple of songs for free. Let me know what you think if you have the time.

1. Edison Glass: www.purevolume.com/edisonglass

2. Mayday Parade: www.purevolume.com/maydayparade

3. The Wedding: www.purevolume.com/thewedding

4. Dogwood: www.myspace.com/dogwood

5. Spacepilot: www.purevolume.com/spacepilot

6. The Midnight Hour: www.purevolume.com/midnighthour

7. Ever Stays Red: www.purevolume.com/everstaysred

8. Brawdcast (warning: although brawdcast is a Christian, he has somewhat of a "potty mouth"
www.myspace.com/brawdcast

Breaking Out of the Shell

For pretty much my entire life I have been justly labled the shy kid. I did not mind the lable since it was true. Now I consider myself quiet but not shy. My freshman year at CSUF helped me break out of my shell a lot. My social skills were horrible and I could barrly hold a non-baseball conversation. I did not do small talk very well and had little desire to do so.
One of my roomates at Campus Crusade for Christ's Winter Conference told me that he had never seen me laugh! That surprised me to say the least. Then I realized that I'm only out of my shell for the most part when I'm hanging out with my close friends. They get to see the real Ryan who likes to have fun and crack the occasional joke. Another person at the conference told me during worship that he had never seen me clap to a song! Do people really think that I'm this boring/unenergetic/shy person? I hope not. Being quiet is not a bad thing but when people don't get to see who I really am, they probably have a perception of me that is not completely accurate.

My Birthday/The Journey Has Just Begun

Today is my 20th birthday. I would like to truly thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday over the past couple of days. Getting out of my teenage years is not sad at all. I'm looking forward to what the twenties have to bring. Usually the 20-29 year age period brings decisions that will impact the course of the rest of your life.
I was hanging out with my friend Jen recently and she asked me what my life story was. I didn't really know how to answer that. I feel that my story is almost just beggining. That's not to say that nothing interesting has happened over the last 20 years, but there is so much that I have not experienced yet. In my twenties I expect to graduate from college, get married, have kids, get a full-time job, and lots of other things. Who knows when those things are going to happen but I hope that they do.
Recently I have been worrying about my future since I'm pretty clueless about my future occupation. When I was younger I dreamed about being a professional baseball player. I loved the game so much that I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else with the rest of my life. If my life was completely mapped out by me I would have been a 1st round draft pick out of high school, played minor league ball for 3-4 years, play in the major leagues for about 20 years, be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, then retire and spend time with my family. That did not work out to say the least. After not making my high school's baseball team my freshman year I had to seriously evaluate where my life was going. I thought that since I was going to have to get a regular (non-baseball) job I might as well make as much money as possible since the whole rationale behind getting a job is to make money. I used to want to be a entreprenuer. I started reading business books and even started a subscription to an entreprenuer magazine. That aspiration died when I decided I was going to be a teacher. Murrieta Valley High School required every student to have at least 40 hours of community service. I had about 12 going into the second semester of my senior year. I thought it would be a good idea to work at an elementry school for a couple hours everyday for 5 days a week and I would be done in a few weeks. I worked in my friend Shawn's mom's 3rd grade class. I loved it! I enjoyed helping out the kids with their math and reading. I got to know some of the kids pretty well and would play sports with them during recess and lunch. I couldn't wait till I got my own classroom! Then during my first year of college that dream slowly died like the rest of them. I just lost my passion/excitement for teaching. Recently I have been mulling over the possibility of being a Campus Crusade for Christ staff person. I'm not sure if I want to go in that direction. But crusade is one of the only things that I'm truly passionate about. We will see where God leads me.

Emotions

Hey Everyone (anyone)! This is my first entry ever. I hope you enjoy reading it. I will try to update it every so often. I'm going to use this website to get stuff off of my chest that I wouldn't noramally share with everyone. It's going to be like reality tv but more insightful!

Here we go:

I'm usually a pretty relaxed and emotionally stable person. The past few days have almost been rollercoaster like in terms of my emotions. There are a few reasons why and a few that I don't even know yet. I just got back from Campus Crusade for Christ's annual Winter Conference in San Diego. Going into it I was honestly more interested in hanging out with my friends that growing closer to God. My motive last year was totally different. I didn't like the state that I was in spiritually and desired a radical change. God totally answered my prayers. The main speaker Mike Erre, who is the teaching pastor at Rock Harbor in Costa Mesa, presented the Gospel in a way that I had never heard it before. He talked about the "Revolution of Jesus" and how He is way more interesting than what most people would tell you. He was a nonconformist who went against the grain of the religious elite of His day. Mike spoke at almost all the main sessions and at the men's time. I was deeply impacted by God working through Mike's sermons. I consider him my favorite speaker in the world. He is extremely good at communicating the Gospel in a relevent way. Anyway, this year was not as great to say the least. I don't mean to be a complainer but a lot of the speakers this year were boring! I was excited before the conference because I knew that Mike was coming back but the day before the conference I looked at the conference schedule and noticed that Mike was only speaking on Friday. That bummed me out but I'm not so narrow minded to think that I can only learn from one speaker. I thought Dr. John Hannah was a poor choice to speak to 700ish college age students. If you are going to be having a conference for 18-26 year olds you should probably have some who isn't around 50 years older than most of us. He was not very energetic and I probably would have fallen asleep on multiple occasions if I had a pillow. I don't think he is a bad guy or anything I just think he was a poor choice for a college age conference. He communicated Gospel truths which is the most important thing but I feel like someone else could have said the same exact words and I would have gotten more out of it.
Like I was saying earlier my emotions were up and down. I think a lot had to do with the fact that I only got about 8 hours of sleep during the 1st couple of days. It seems like I get apathetic and cynical when I don't get a decent amount of sleep. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends but sometimes I would question if they really wanted to hang out with me at all. Sometimes I feel like I can be a drag or a downer since I'm fairly quiet. I'm very fortunate to have some awesome friendships that I value more than almost anything. I value them so much because I have not always had a decent amount of solid frienships. In high school I hung out with people who at the time I would probably describe as friends but in reality were nothing more than acquintances. The biggest reason for the fluctuation of my emotions was most likely
because I was comparing it to last year. The changes that happened in my life last year are still evident in my life right now. I hope all of you can experience something as life changing in your life if you have not already.

Thanks for reading my 1st entry. I genuinley appreciate you checking this out.